The REAL Ten Commandments

The REAL Ten Commandments

written as Fitzhaproy "Hap" E. Phace 10/28/2002

Has it ever seemed strange to you that there are actually only 9 distinct commandments in the 10 Commandments? Have you ever noticed that the Bible doesn't actually refer to them as "The Ten Commandments"? Had you ever wondered why swearing and sabbath-breaking are given equal force with stealing and murder, while crimes such as assault and battery, slavery, cruelty to animals, drunkenness, child abuse, driving under the influence of intoxicants, spousal abuse, disturbing the peace, child molestation, vandalism, or many others are not even covered? Well, a little looking reveals that the Bible DOES, in fact, mention the Ten Commandments in one place, but not where we usually look for it. The only commandments for which the term is explicitly used are in Exodus 34. But the list there is, well, slightly different from what you're used to seeing. Here it is, in the lovely King James Version language, with a few comments (in parenthesis) from me thrown in.

Exodus 34:1,11a And the Lord said unto Moses, "Hew thee two tables of stone like unto the first: and I will write upon these tables the words that were in the first tables, which thou brakest. ... Observe thou that which I command thee this day."

Exodus 34:11b-26 (with numbering to match the commandment list)
1. Behold, I drive out before thee the Amorite, and the Canaanite, and the Hittite, and the Perizzite, and the Hivite, and the Jebusite. Take heed to thyself, lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land whither thou goest, lest it be for a snare in the midst of thee:
(In modern terms, "Thou shalt not make or keep any contracts nor treaties with the Palestinians.")

2. But ye shall destroy their altars, break their images, and cut down their groves:
(In modern terms, "Thou shalt by all means possible destroy their religion.")

3. For thou shalt worship no other god: for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God: Lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land, and they go a-whoring after their gods, and do sacrifice unto their gods, and one call thee, and thou eat of his sacrifice; And thou take of their daughters unto thy sons, and their daughters go a-whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a-whoring after their gods. Thou shalt make thee no molten gods.
(In modern terms, "Thou shalt not even consider converting to any other religion, nor allow your sons to marry an adherent of any other religion." Presumably, daughters were allowed to because they were more likely to convert their husbands than the other way around.)

4. The feast of unleavened bread shalt thou keep. Seven days thou shalt eat unleavened bread, as I commanded thee, in the time of the month Abib: for in the month Abib thou camest out from Egypt.
(In other words, observe the Passover holidays.)

5. All that openeth the matrix is mine; and every firstling among thy cattle, whether ox or sheep, that is male. But the firstling of an ass thou shalt redeem with a lamb: and if thou redeem him not, then shalt thou break his neck. All the firstborn of thy sons thou shalt redeem. And none shall appear before me empty.
(Sort of tithing for herdsmen.)

6. Six days thou shalt work, but on the seventh day thou shalt rest: in earing time and in harvest thou shalt rest.
(Same as the usual list, but without the reference to the Creation.)

7. And thou shalt observe the feast of weeks, of the firstfruits of wheat harvest, and the feast of ingathering at the year's end. Thrice in the year shall all your menchildren appear before the Lord God, the God of Israel. For I will cast out the nations before thee, and enlarge thy borders: neither shall any man desire thy land, when thou shalt go up to appear before the Lord thy God thrice in the year.
(Three more holiday weeks are mandated.)

8. Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leaven; neither shall the sacrifice of the feast of the passover be left unto the morning.
(Going back to the Passover holiday, don't use yeast in any blood pies, and don't let anything go to waste.)

9. The first of the firstfruits of thy land thou shalt bring unto the house of the Lord thy God.
(Another tithing rule, this one for farmers.)

10. Thou shalt not seethe a kid in his mother's milk.
(Another cooking rule.)

Exodus 34:27-28 And the Lord said unto Moses, Write thou these words: for after the tenor of these words I have made a covenant with thee and with Israel. And he was there with the Lord forty days and forty nights; he did neither eat bread, nor drink water. And he wrote upon the tables the words of the covenant, the Ten Commandments.

So there you have it, the REAL Ten Commandments, straight from the Bible: 1) Defraud the Palestinians any chance you get, 2) Destroy their religion, 3) Don't convert to any other religion, 4) Keep the Passover, 5) Give a bunch of your stuff to the priests, 6) Don't do anything one day a week, 7) Keep three other holidays, 8) Eat everything on your plate, 9) Give a bunch more of your stuff to the priests, and 10) Don't cook goat meat in goat milk.

Of course, the Christians inherited these, shuffled around the holidays a bit, and eventually applied the first two to the Native Americans instead of the Palestinians, but otherwise kept them fairly well. Meat cooked in milk instead of grease or oil is probably pretty yucky anyway.