Money Talks

Handicapped Points

2005-11-23T16:09:00.001-07:00

Someone else started it, but this is my doctored version of their
alteration.

GoogleAds

2005-10-20T20:24:00.000-06:00

Do you get as bemused by Google Ads as I do? For example, I was reading a news article about "Intelligent Design" today, and these are the ads that came up:

Advertising Links

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Intelligent Design at God-LovesYou.org
Learn about intelligent design with The Four Spiritual Laws of Christianity. You can receive Christ right now through prayer, and He will come as promised.

Intelligent Design by God?
Read the remarkable, free book that reveals the intelligent design behind creation and humankind. What is God like and what does he expect of us? Order your own free copy and find out today.

The non sequitur of the first is the main funny, but lack of intelligence shown by the last two, since ID was developed as a means of presenting creationism without explicit reference to "God," is almost as funny on a subtler level.

The REAL Ten Commandments

2005-07-11T15:43:00.000-06:00

The REAL Ten Commandments

written as Fitzhaproy "Hap" E. Phace 10/28/2002

Has it ever seemed strange to you that there are actually only 9 distinct commandments in the 10 Commandments? Have you ever noticed that the Bible doesn't actually refer to them as "The Ten Commandments"? Had you ever wondered why swearing and sabbath-breaking are given equal force with stealing and murder, while crimes such as assault and battery, slavery, cruelty to animals, drunkenness, child abuse, driving under the influence of intoxicants, spousal abuse, disturbing the peace, child molestation, vandalism, or many others are not even covered? Well, a little looking reveals that the Bible DOES, in fact, mention the Ten Commandments in one place, but not where we usually look for it. The only commandments for which the term is explicitly used are in Exodus 34. But the list there is, well, slightly different from what you're used to seeing. Here it is, in the lovely King James Version language, with a few comments (in parenthesis) from me thrown in.

Exodus 34:1,11a And the Lord said unto Moses, "Hew thee two tables of stone like unto the first: and I will write upon these tables the words that were in the first tables, which thou brakest. ... Observe thou that which I command thee this day."
Exodus 34:11b-26 (with numbering to match the commandment list)
1. Behold, I drive out before thee the Amorite, and the Canaanite, and the Hittite, and the Perizzite, and the Hivite, and the Jebusite. Take heed to thyself, lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land whither thou goest, lest it be for a snare in the midst of thee:
(In modern terms, "Thou shalt not make or keep any contracts nor treaties with the Palestinians.")
2. But ye shall destroy their altars, break their images, and cut down their groves:
(In modern terms, "Thou shalt by all means possible destroy their religion.")
3. For thou shalt worship no other god: for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God: Lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land, and they go a-whoring after their gods, and do sacrifice unto their gods, and one call thee, and thou eat of his sacrifice; And thou take of their daughters unto thy sons, and their daughters go a-whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a-whoring after their gods. Thou shalt make thee no molten gods.
(In modern terms, "Thou shalt not even consider converting to any other religion, nor allow your sons to marry an adherent of any other religion." Presumably, daughters were allowed to because they were more likely to convert their husbands than the other way around.)
4. The feast of unleavened bread shalt thou keep. Seven days thou shalt eat unleavened bread, as I commanded thee, in the time of the month Abib: for in the month Abib thou camest out from Egypt.
(In other words, observe the Passover holidays.)
5. All that openeth the matrix is mine; and every firstling among thy cattle, whether ox or sheep, that is male. But the firstling of an ass thou shalt redeem with a lamb: and if thou redeem him not, then shalt thou break his neck. All the firstborn of thy sons thou shalt redeem. And none shall appear before me empty.
(Sort of tithing for herdsmen.)
6. Six days thou shalt work, but on the seventh day thou shalt rest: in earing time and in harvest thou shalt rest.
(Same as the usual list, but without the reference to the Creation.)
7. And thou shalt observe the feast of weeks, of the firstfruits of wheat harvest, and the feast of ingathering at the year's end. Thrice in the year shall all your menchildren appear before the Lord God, the God of Israel. For I will cast out the nations before thee, and enlarge thy borders: neither shall any man desire thy land, when thou shalt go up to appear before the Lord thy God thrice in the year.
(Three more holiday weeks are mandated.)
8. Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leaven; neither shall the sacrifice of the feast of the passover be left unto the morning.
(Going back to the Passover holiday, don't use yeast in any blood pies, and don't let anything go to waste.)
9. The first of the firstfruits of thy land thou shalt bring unto the house of the Lord thy God.
(Another tithing rule, this one for farmers.)
10. Thou shalt not seethe a kid in his mother's milk.
(Another cooking rule.)
Exodus 34:27-28 And the Lord said unto Moses, Write thou these words: for after the tenor of these words I have made a covenant with thee and with Israel. And he was there with the Lord forty days and forty nights; he did neither eat bread, nor drink water. And he wrote upon the tables the words of the covenant, the Ten Commandments.

So there you have it, the REAL Ten Commandments, straight from the Bible: 1) Defraud the Palestinians any chance you get, 2) Destroy their religion, 3) Don't convert to any other religion, 4) Keep the Passover, 5) Give a bunch of your stuff to the priests, 6) Don't do anything one day a week, 7) Keep three other holidays, 8) Eat everything on your plate, 9) Give a bunch more of your stuff to the priests, and 10) Don't cook goat meat in goat milk.

Of course, the Christians inherited these, shuffled around the holidays a bit, and eventually applied the first two to the Native Americans instead of the Palestinians, but otherwise kept them fairly well. Meat cooked in milk instead of grease or oil is probably pretty yucky anyway.

WAR

2004-07-22T09:24:00.000-06:00

War Is Hell.

So said William Tecumseh Sherman, a man who did everything he could to make it so, for combatant and civilian alike.

I have been accused of being a pacifist for my vehement and often outspoken opposition to our current war in Iraq. I want to now set that straight and declare that I recognize the need for war. Humanity needs war like forests need fires. Humans need war like rivers need floods. They bring destruction, but they also bring enrichment. From the crucibles of war come this generation's heros, who will mature into the next generation's statesmen.

Have you ever noticed that our country has never become embroiled in a major war when we have had a military commander at our helm? No force has ever drawn us into a fight with a seasoned general as our Commander in Chief: Civil War – Abraham Lincoln, World War I – Woodrow Wilson, World War II – Franklin Roosevelt. And perhaps more telling, we have never attacked another nation under a C-in-C who has had the experience of having to order men into battle to their certain deaths: 1812 – James Madison, Mexican War – James Polk, Spanish-American War – William McKinley, Vietnam – John F. Kennedy, like Lincoln and McKinley, a line officer, but never a commander. While our major military commanders who served in our highest office all did so through peacetime: George Washington, Andrew Jackson, Ulysses S. Grant (who while he may have been a poor administrator, served as a valuable figurehead for unity during the difficult Reconstruction period), and Dwight D. Eisenhower.

And this leads us to todays weekend-warrior.

The events of 9–11 should have been more properly consigned to a fanatic fringe religious cult like the Heaven's Gate group that committed mass suicide when a comet appeared; the People's Temple that murdered a US congressman and others before committing their mass suicide; or the Aum Shinrikyo cult that released nerve gas in a Japanese subway a few years ago, and is still an active threat in that land. But so far the 9–11 events have served as a pretext for two foreign wars that have caused destruction, death, and terror far beyond any that was inflicted upon us, and done so to innocent and guilty alike. Indeed, they may not have really touched the guilty at all – as an independent cell of religious fanatics, the only people that may have really been directly involved in 9–11 were the 19 hijackers who died that day and the one man who financed them, G.H.W. Bush's indirect protegé, Osama bin Laden!

But even leaving the cult issue aside, it seems obvious that we were ripe for war. It's been 28 years since we withdrew in defeat from Vietnam. Since then, our military has been involved a series of brushfire actions. But nothing stirring. Nothing to inspire ballads and legends and sagas. Nothing to generate Heros. And so, with 9–11, we should have gone to war with the country most responsible for it. The country which, of all the Middle East, is most inimical to our way of life. Where our predominant religions, Christianity and Judaism, are circumscribed. Where our women's mode of dress could get them flogged. Where democracy isn't even given lip service, and the people have no say at all in their government. Where 15 of the 19 hijackers came from. And where Osama bin Laden himself grew up.

We should be at war with Arabia.

Right now, it's called Saudi Arabia because the Saud family rules it. Drop one big bomb on the heart of Mecca. Then tell the rest of the Muslim world, "this is how the Sauds defend your shrine," and walk away. Let the rest of them sort it out for themselves. Soon enough, it would be just Arabia again.

If we must go to war, let it be a good war. Let us be open about it, and admit that we are making war on a way of life, a culture, that we find so different from our own that the two are incompatible. That does not necessarily mean Islam, nor monarchy. But it does mean Arab culture, as currently (or recently) practiced in much of the Middle East. The tribalism that has torn apart countries from the Sudan and Ethiopia to Kosovo and Croatia to Kurdistan and Afghanistan. The lack of civil rights, liberty, and representation for every citizen; male or female; black, white, brown, or yellow; Christian, Jew, Hindu, Muslim or Athiest; rich or poor; or anything not covered above.

Wars change nothing. Neither side in any war was ever evil or good. Both sides in every war were made up of sincere men who fought for what they thought was best, even if they were mercenaries who felt the best was their own enrichment. Right or wrong never won any battle. Yet years after the war, whichever side seemed to win, if any real principle was involved, the greater version of it will gain the ultimate victory. It will win with the irresistable caissons and tumbrels of history, against which no enemy can stand, no matter how large its battalions, how fearful its weapons, or how wise its generals.

[I began writing this about April 2004, and still don't consider it finished, so if you have comments, I may consider them in revising it or polishing it further. ~okl.]